What Planet Is Your Relationship On?

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, what planet is their relationship on?

John Gray's bestselling book used a planetary analogy to understand relationships. It proved very popular as a way of understanding and interpreting the behaviour patterns that men and women display.

Astrology also uses planets to understand and predict character traits and behaviour patterns. It is an extremely effective tool for analysing relationships. Venus and Mars are not the only planets looked at, although they are important. In total there are ten planets to consider and 12 different signs that each planet could be in. This gives a very high number of possible combinations, which can lead to an insightful and detailed analsis.

One of the reasons astrology is such a useful tool is its neutrality. By describing a relationship astrologically, a distance can be achieved. Difficulties then become a shared problem which could be resolved through co-operation. Identifying the problem as 'We have a Mars opposition' is a much more neutral way of saying 'We argue all the time' or even ' Why do you always argue with me?' What's more, astrology can even help to identify the timing of both good and difficult times. Knowing that things will get better can dissolve a lot of tension.

In any relationship there will be combinations of harmonious and challenging aspects, but there will often be a way of relating to each other that seems to work most of the time. It becomes a habitual way of interacting, the line of least resistance. Sometimes one particular planet provides a dominant theme for the relationship. In effect, it is the planet on which the relationship is based.

It could be the moon, signifying that emotional rapport and domestic compatability are the foundation on which it is based. Or it could be Mercury,indicating that both partners are on the same wavelength, can communicate well with each other and enjoy chatting or even writing to each other. Or perhaps it is the Sun, suggesting compatability at a deep level and that fundamental values and ways of approaching life are in harmony.

Only three examples have been given here, but there are lots more. It can get very complex, but the fundamental principles are simple and can be grasped by anybody sufficiently motivated to understand them.

If you want to understand the dynamic of a relationship, you should first try to understand each person as an individual. Astrology is a great way of doing this. It can help identify what matters most to you. If you are fundamentally an emotional person, emotional rapport will be the most important aspect of any relationship you have. A relationship that is great in lots of other ways, but does not meet this need, will ultimately be unfulfilling. Equally, you may tolerate all kinds of other difficulties if you are in a relationship where you feel a deep emotional connection. Discovering which planet you want the relationship to be on, is crucial. A great relationship on Venus may be fine for some people,but you might personally be happier with one based on the moon.

Astrology is a fascinating subject. After all, what could be more interesting than studying yourself, the person you love and the relationship that you have? It's worth investing some time to understand it yourself, rather than relying on other people's predictions and interpretations. It can be easy to place too much faith in an expert interpretation. There are some very experienced astrologers out there, but you are the most qualified person to understand yourself and your relationship. Astrology gives you the tools to do so in a neutral way, and it's also great fun. So, if you do feel inspired to look at it in more depth, be sure to enjoy yourself whatever planet you are on.

By Elizabeth White

What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold

Everything was great.

We had been dating for 6 months. We shared the same interests, felt very at ease together, had (often) discussed future plans and had even spent some of the holidays together. Our relationship seemed right on track and just right in general.

Then, without warning, he said he "needs some time to think and figure things out." He stopped calling and rarely returned my calls. When he did, I was often met with silence on the other end of the line. When I asked "what happened", I just got a verbal run around of excuses about how busy he is and/or how much stress he is under right now.

What happened? What did I do? I don't know what to think.

Does the above scenario sound at all familiar? If so, you can relate to being confused and stunned over the sudden change in a boyfriend's/girlfriend's behavior.

Now think about this - What if your relationship wasn't what you thought it was? What if unspoken issues had existed all along? What if there were signs you chose to ignore or just didn't see? Are any of these possible?

Probably.

This sudden change in a couple's relationship is reported quite a bit by individuals who have just broken up with a significant other. Unfortunately, it leaves the person who has been "dumped" with feelings of low self-esteem, regret, inadequacy and anger.

There is often no real closure, as the couple is never able (willing) to talk through what went wrong or was never right with their relationship.

So, how can you know what the problem was and hope to avoid a repeat of this hurtful experience? You can do this by examining your failed relationship and gaining insight and understanding about what just wasn't right between you.

In order to assist you with this; I am providing a basic framework of the relationship stages a couple must pass through TOGETHER in order to get to a place of shared intimacy and commitment. If either person's feelings change before, during or after one of these stages; it is not necessarily the "fault" of the other individual. It is simply a statement about the individuals' rightness (or not) for each other. It is also a reflection of each individual's relationship readiness and ability to handle long-term, committed intimacy.

How an individual handles their changing feelings and resultant behavior toward the other is a subject for another article.

Relationships have stages. We have all read articles and books by authors who have come up with their own unique number or names for these. I will try to take a very basic approach to this and keep it simple and as universal as possible.

Attraction

This is the first stage. It is physical, intellectual and emotional - on a very surface level. Girl sees boy and vice versa. They flirt, talk and get a very basic sense of the other. They are usually responding to a physical pull. He/she is cute, funny, charming, interesting to talk to, etc.

Without attraction, first dates wouldn't happen. It can therefore be assumed that the other person finds us attractive if we have gotten to a first date.

In a way, this is the easy one. We are unknowns to each other. Things progress from this point or they do not. Hurt feelings are minimal. We usually chalk up rejection to; "I'm not his type". There is no need to analyze or wonder what went wrong.

If both people feel a strong enough level of attraction continues to exist after a few dates, they usually move along to stage two. However, if one finds the other has unattractive characteristics or behaviors, this can lead to an abrupt change in the relationship.

Remember, these behaviors or characteristics would be ones that would manifest in the very early stage of dating. Some examples: frequently late, never offers to pay, dresses or grooms sloppily, rude to waitress, etc.

Romantic Relating

In this second stage, couples begin to test out the idea of themselves as a unit. Dating is no longer brand new. It is more comfortable and predictable. Sharing romantic dinners and exciting special interests are typical dates during this new and fun time in a growing relationship.

During this stage, flowers are given for no special reason and loving cards are slipped back and forth with words like "thinking of you". It's a happy carefree time, when lovers tend to idealize, romanticize and overlook that which can be right in front of them. The relationship seems effortless and spontaneous. Affection is shared openly and frequently. One's partner seems perfect. There is rarely conflict during this period. The partners often share the unrealistic belief that their relationship is so special and unique that it will always stay this way.

This stage can last from three or four months up to more than a year. It is actually the shortest stage that any long-term relationship goes through. It is also the one we wish we could hold on to forever and long for when it is gone. This is the stage that love poems speak about. It is also believed (falsely) by many that this is what long-term committed love will always be like.

Many relationships begin to stumble at the end of this period. For that is when reality begins to set in. As partners begin to experience some disagreement, conflict and/or shared challenges- the relationship shifts as do the dynamics between the partners.

Though many relationships move past this stage, a number do not. Why? There are many reasons. These can include:

* lack of readiness for the challenges of the next stage

* issues with commitment and fidelity

* immature beliefs about what relationships should be

* being stuck on an idealized, romanticized notion of love

If one of the partners is not ready for a less than perfect and more demanding stage of love, they will exhibit this in their behavior, language and overall level of openness and availability towards the other.

This is when the couple begins to think more seriously of a future with each other. The focus tends to be; how well do we get along, do we share similar interests and do I want to date this person exclusively?

Growth Through Negotiation

This is a very challenging and growing time in all relationship building. Reality comes into play as the couple settles into the comfort and predictability of their togetherness. Little issues can become blown-up into large conflicts. The individuals begin to compete for their share of control and their place in this growing union. Differences can become highlighted instead of minimized.

This is often the period when couples experience their first fight. Hurt feelings can occur as that once loving and completely accepting other person airs a criticism or voices annoyance or concern. Often, the individuals believe it is the other person who needs to change.

This is where the need for (or lack of) communication, problem-solving and negotiating skills becomes apparent. For without an adequate measure of these, disagreements can break down into screaming matches where insults and recriminations are fired like missiles.

If the individuals can listen, be supportive of each other's feelings, compromise and not lay blame, they have a good chance of working through this stage and achieving a true intimacy. This does not mean they will share all the same beliefs and opinions or that they will necessarily even like the other's view. However, having and showing respect is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

Not only will relationships fail without these relationship-building strengths, they can also abruptly end if one of the partners decides that they don't feel the same way about this person in their less than idealized state. The reality may not be to their liking or just something they are not ready for in general. Either way, they will pull back, present differently or disappear without warning. How they handle their changing feelings is further information about their level of relationship readiness and maturity in general.

Intimacy

Intimacy is the reward that is gained when a couple has successfully worked through the difficult last stage of negotiation. It is almost like a new coming together with much greater self (and other) awareness. This new information can work to solidify the union or give one of both individuals enough new information about the other to require a reassessment of their desire to remain together.

Each person looks at the other in their (naked) state and asks; "is this the person I want to be with"? Here their individual differences are highlighted. The early romantic haze has cleared. What they have to offer to each other and to a future life together comes into play.

This is a time when couples often begin to contemplate each other's attributes in a more practical way. They look at the other's strengths and weaknesses. They evaluate each other's potential as a future spouse, parent, provider, caregiver, partner, etc.

Relationships can be tested more during this time. Infidelity is one dysfunctional way that some individuals do this. Often, this leads to the end of the relationship.

When differences can be seen, aired and accepted, the couple has a good chance of moving on together from this place. Essentially, they have decided they want to be with the other, warts and all.

When the behavior of one or both partners change, it is generally because they have made a conscious or unconscious decision regarding the wrongness of the other for them or for the type of relationship they seek.

Commitment

This is the final stage of relationship building. Once individuals have reached this place, they are ready to cement their bond. While much growth and work will lay ahead in a future life together, they are ready to begin this life soon.

New challenges arise during each stage, and will happen here as well. However, if the couple has successfully worked through the previous stages, they should have many of the tools they need.

The external problems and pressures that come with life will test their resolve and commitment over the years. They may need to reassess, re-negotiate and renew their feelings and commitment. Fortunately, they will be in possession of the basic tools required.

If they choose well to begin with, they should be successful.

As you evaluate your failed relationship, note the stage you were in when the change occurred. Chances are that the necessary level of readiness and maturity was not present in one or both of you. Perhaps one of you decided that this is not the kind of partner or relationship I am seeking.

This new information and insight should help you to choose a future partner who is better suited to you and desirous of the same kind of relationship that you are.

By Toni Coleman

How to Ask for a Gratifying Sex Life

So your relationship has changed over the years since you said "I do" and sex isn't what it use to be. First you should know that this is normal and common place in the majority of marriages. Knowing that you are not alone does not make you feel any better nor does it get you the satisfying sex life that you once had. You simply can't go through the trials of life without changing.

Some men and women feel that if their spouse is not interested in sex, this gives them license to have an affair. Being in a committed marital relationship puts the responsibility on you to improve your marital sex. Though bringing the passion back into your marriage is not a one-way street. At the end of the day, you can only change yourself.

Take a look at your lifestyle first; this will help you determine what needs to change. If your are both so tired from dealing with children, work, money and household chores then no wonder your time between the sheets is a wee bit dull. So you find that you are both working 24 hours a day seven days a week, now you realize that it is time for a break and enjoy each other just like you once did when life was a little more carefree.

One of THE BIGGEST mistakes a couple can make is to not pay for child care, pay for a maid or take little mini vacations, in a nutshell, taking time for each other without all of the stresses of running a home and family. Yes, I can hear you saying that this is costly. Let me put it to you this way, would you rather pay for a maid every now and then to give your wife a break or a Marriage Councilor or worst a Divorce Attorney. I know, not every sexually dissatisfied relationship ends in divorce however a dissatisfied sex life is statistically one of the biggest reasons that people get divorced. So here is a little tip for you to improve marital sex.

Locate a Parents Night out service to care for the children and take your time with each other to do the things that you fell in love with in the first place. Other things that you can do, is to take a little more pride in how you look. Studies show that men respond to visual stimulation so ladies, take head and spruce your self up from time to time. Let's face it, the sweatpants are great for doing chores around the house but when your husband comes home from work, freshen up for him and maybe even make your man melt when he lays eyes on you. Men are not off the hook here either, that extra tire around the waist may need to go. If you've been carrying around too much extra weight since your dating days, maybe it's time to get a Health Club membership. These behaviors happen to all of us, it's easy to fall into a rut; that's ok but if you want more passion, then act like you're dating each other all over again. I can't guarantee that you will get some tonight but you are no doubt on the right track.

Let's not forget about communication. This is touchy though if you have a spouse who is uncomfortable talking about sex. If you choose to put this effort forth, you must bring up this subject in a calm; relaxing environment. Talking about this during a marital argument is a definite no-no. Bringing blame or being defensive won't solve the problem either. Above all be patient with each other, try new things, have a sense of humor and remember to make time for a date night which of course includes time for a spicy, passionate sex life.

Often sex is plentiful just simply boring. It is a challenge for most married couples to add newness. Trying new love making positions or even experimenting with adult sex toys could bring you right out of the rut you are both in. To learn more and to discover free sex tips to improve your marital sex, log on to www.sweetintimacy.com.

©Copyright 2004 Innovative Associates.

All Rights Reserved. Freedom to post this article as free web content is permissible only in it's entirety and must include all links. Content may not be changed.

By Sharon Koenig

Relationship Quiz - Copasetic, Caution, or Conundrum?

This quiz is based on key areas of communication and intimacy in relationships. The easiest way to take the quiz is to print it, so that you can circle your responses and add up the results. Use the scale below to gauge the health of your relationship.

The questions are designed to assess the likelihood of your relationship being a success in the long term. Take the results seriously, but realize that no quiz can take into account everything that may important to you. Please do not feel completely discouraged if you don't score well. Instead, use what you learn from the questions, and let the results motivate you to identify patterns of negativity and areas needing improvement.

Please answer the following questions using the 3-point scale provided. Answer according to how often the experience occurs in your relationship to either you or your partner. For more honest results, take the test alone before comparing results.

1 = Never, 2 = Sometimes, 3 = Always

1 2 3 We speak freely to each other and don't hold back feelings to avoid conflict.

1 2 3 We show each other respect even when we argue.

1 2 3 We settle disagreements by finding common ground and end with compromise.

1 2 3 We are equal partners in the relationship.

1 2 3 We have good talks. We share our feelings and opinions.

1 2 3 We have girls/guys night out without jealousy becoming an issue.

1 2 3 When we settle an argument, it stays settled and does not become a recurring problem.

1 2 3 We can joke around with each other without one of us taking it the wrong way or getting upset.

1 2 3 We respect each other's opinions, feelings, and beliefs. We see eye-to-eye on most things.

1 2 3 We like each other's choices in friends.

1 2 3 We have good relationships with each other's families.

1 2 3 Our fights do not escalate to the point of pushing and slapping.

1 2 3 I feel fulfilled and not lonely in the relationship.

1 2 3 We can argue without using threats of divorce or abandonment.

Now add up your points and assess your score:_______

36 to 42 "Copasetic"

If your score is in the 36 to 42 range, your relationship is in great shape. You are very fortunate to be in this category, so keep up the good work. You and your partner are a good match, and the likelihood of long-term success for your relationship is high. Everything may be copasetic now, but don't get complacent. Continue to be open, honest, and involved with each other.

26 to 35 "Caution"

If your score is in the 26 to 35 range, then the caution light is on. It's probably time to take a serious look at the direction your relationship is taking. There are obviously some very positive aspects of your relationship that are worth preserving and reinforcing. Your long-term success is in question now. It's time to work on those respect and communication issues. Take note of the questions that scored 1's and 2's and talk about them.

14 to 25 "Conundrum"

If your score is in the 14 to 25 range, as I'm sure you already know, your relationship is in peril. Your score indicates that there is very little chance for long-term success. Negative patterns of behavior are destroying your relationship and making you and your partner miserable. If you intend to continue the relationship, you must take immediate action Seek outside help if possible. The Internet is a good place to start. Visit a website that specializes in relationship building. Post your questions in a good relationships forum. You will find amazingly helpful people with similar experience and golden advice. Best of luck.

By Slade Hartwell

Are You Relationship Ready?

So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either married or in committed relationships. You have grown weary of the singles scene

and the solitary life. Therefore, you must be ready, right?

Not necessarily.

So what is relationship readiness anyway? Exactly what it says. You are adequately capable of handling the commitment and challenges that a healthy, intimate relationship requires.

How do you know if you are ready? What are the characteristics you need to have or acquire in order to be ready for true love?

There are four primary areas that you should explore in order to assess your present state of readiness.

1. Take an inventory of past traumas and related major issues.

You should mentally review these and honestly look at how well you have already addressed and resolved them.

As you work through each, ask yourself, "Is this impacting me negatively in my present life." Also explore with yourself the possibility that the issue could become problematic once you have entered into an intimate relationship.

If you believe that there are things you have not yet adequately dealt with, you need to go to work on these. If you are unsure, then they bear closer examination. Consider utilizing resources such as therapy or joining a support group.

An example of such issues can include, but not be limited to; emotional, physical or sexual abuse in childhood, parents' divorce, loss of a parent or other loved one, or a past abusive or dysfunctional love relationship.

2. How's your self-awareness and self-esteem?

If you do not possess adequate self knowledge and a positive sense of self; an intimate relationship will be difficult or impossible to sustain.

For instance, do you know yourself well enough to answer the following?

Can you state your most deeply held values?

Do you know what you can't live with or without in a relationship?

Do you have a good grasp of your life goals?

Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses?

Now, do a quick assessment of your self-esteem.

How do you see yourself?

How do others see you?

Remember you present different selves:

at work

with family

with friends

in gatherings with acquaintances

If your answers tell you that you have difficulty accepting and liking yourself, or if others frequently respond negatively to you in your interactions with them, then this is an area you should begin work on. Self-love is at the foundation of all healthy relationships.

3. Are your past relationships really in the past?

If we don't get adequate closure on painful experiences/issues from past relationships, we are at risk of bringing them into present and future relationships in order to relive and resolve them.

Therefore, it's important to know that you have dealt adequately with any significant hurt or loss and have learned from any dysfunctional dynamics you may have contributed to.

If you find yourself slipping into unhealthy patterns in your thoughts or Behaviors as they relate to others; stop, identify, and then deal with that leftover issue.

4. Do you know what you want from a relationship?

We enter into relationships for many different reasons and with many different expectations. Knowing what yours are will help you to determine if this is the right relationship for you.

Too often we "choose" someone using an unconscious level of thought as our primary input. It is there that we hold our deepest unmet needs, fears and desires. Unfortunately, there is often a chasm between our conscious and unconscious selves that keeps this information "hidden" from our rational and thinking side.

Therefore, it is very important to examine all of your feeling and needs regarding any future relationship. Honestly look at what you must have and cannot live without.

You must know what you want and need from a future partner in order to choose the right one for you.

Now, spend some time exploring these four important areas before you enter into a serious romantic relationship. By doing so, you will be helping to ensure that your new relationship will be a healthy and lasting one.

By Toni Coleman

10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship

1. Be predictable.

When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What's up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate.

Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do.

This doesn't mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!

2. Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable."

No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos.

Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven's sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, "I really don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!"

3. Make sure your words match the message.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying.

Here's a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, "How do I look?" (And she's wearing a dress you don't particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.)

Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, "You look great." You don't really mean it and a part of her knows you really don't mean it. But, you leave it at that.

This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now.

Here's how to match the words with the nonverbal: "I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.)

She's not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She's not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message.

You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met.

Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!

4. Believe the other person is competent.

I hear this phrase very often: "But, I don't want to hurt him." A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.)

Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn't trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out.

Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. "Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!"

5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets.

If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn't talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can't trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person.

Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining.

Now, please. I'm not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge.

However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.

6. Let YOUR needs be known - loudly.

Be a little - no, be a lot - self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!)

Here's a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to "win him back." So she begins an all out effort to "work on the marriage." She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to "be nice" and meet every need he ever said he had. She's going to "fill his tank with goodies."

Doesn't work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels "smothered" or maybe even resentful: "Why is she doing this NOW!" She's hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive - if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine - just doesn't work. It's perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn't say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so "nice and caring?"

Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties.

Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: "I need?x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?"

He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, "What about my needs?" You respond, "I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly."

Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted?

Didn't you respect that person?

Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn't that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?

7. State who YOU are - loudly.

It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are.

You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person.

This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you're like most of us, you haven't given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don't you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities?

Don't you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You're concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life?

Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn't destroy trust. But it doesn't create it either.

And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers.

Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for?

And then?begin letting significant people in your life know.

They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character.

They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.

8. Learn to say NO!

Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO!

Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life.

You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don't stop, you demand they stop. If they don't stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment.

To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED.

Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear?

Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?

9. Charge Neutral.

When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral.

Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear.

Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral.

Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly.

You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship.

You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won't fly or fall apart.

You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don't people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others?

Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your "quiet center," remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.

10. Dig into the dirt.

Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed.

Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen?

The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be.

Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self.

Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face.

Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.

By Dr. Robert Huizenga

Are you (or are you with) a Commitment-Phobe?

We hear it all the time. "He just won't make a commitment." "She just wants some space right now." "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship."

What does having a fear of commitment really mean? Actually, it means basically what it says. For SOME reason you, or someone you are involved with, isn't ready to take this relationship (or any relationship) to the next step.

So how do we know if we or our (hoped for) partner are truly afraid of commitment? How do we know that it's not something else? Is there any real difference between these two anyway?

Do these excuses sound familiar? "I'm just under a lot of stress right now." "It's not you, it's me." "I can't focus on a relationship right now because of my overloaded schedule."

Very often, we want to accept these reasons because we fear the real truth. Other times, we are just very confused by our feelings and the often mixed messages from the other person.

So, how do we evaluate our ability to make a long-term commitment? How do we know if he/she is really ready or willing?

There are only two real issues here to examine.

The first issue involves looking at a true fear of commitment itself. If this is the problem it's important for the person with this fear to ask themselves a few key questions.

Are you concerned about the idea of forever?
Do you fear you could make a mistake in who you choose?
Do you fear a loss of your freedom/autonomy?
Are you afraid of a bad marriage- like your parents for instance?
Do you fear you would be a bad mate?


If you answered yes to any of these, it would be a good idea to begin working to understand where these feelings come from. Once you understand them better, you can choose to address them.

Perhaps you need more time or emotional growth before you consider making a long-term commitment. There can be several factors that influence your fear. Explore these and arm yourself with a plan to put them to rest.

If you would like to deal with past relationship feelings, understand if you are relationship ready or evaluate your self-awareness, go to http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm for articles that can assist you with these issues.

Greater self-knowledge will help you to overcome this block to building a lasting and satisfying relationship.

The second issue is the inability to make a commitment to a PARTICULAR relationship. This may not be the right one. Perhaps there is a sense of this but it is written off to being a "commitment -phobe" in general.

Focus on the true level of involvement with each other. Is there a genuine connection? Or is there a vague feeling of something missing? Evaluate the quality of your intimate relating. This does not mean how often (or even how good) the sex is. This is about how open, sharing and real you are in your interactions with each other.

Does any of this sound familiar?

It seems like we are only killing time?

He/she doesn't seem to want what I want.

We seem to be off and on in our level of contact/affection.

I/they are still not over a past relationship.

I/they just don't seem to know what I/they want.

Remember to focus on the involvement or lack thereof between you. If either person is disengaged in any way, it's time to address the real issue of; "Is this the right relationship for us?"

Exploring your ability to make a lasting commitment should be a first step in your plan for building a healthy and lasting relationship.

By Toni Coleman, MSW

Infidelity: Spying is NOT Revenge

Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don't act them out.

Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.

Resist the temptation to sling the mud!

Keep what you find to yourself.

The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.

The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.

There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.

And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some "evidence" does carry weight in particular states or districts.

By Dr. Robert Huizenga

Cheating Spouse: Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?

My, how the cheating spouse cries foul when he/she discovers you are spying.

Outrage can be intense: "How dare you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don't spy and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to me?" On and on. Cheating husbands and cheating wives usually will not admit the duplicity of their clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn't make sense, but then again not much about infidelity borders close to sanity.

Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the extramarital affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made.

You saw clearly the signs of a cheating spouse. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries. The marital infidelity broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception.

Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It's intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.

By Dr. Robert Huizenga

Put-Downs: The Whole Story

What put-downs really are

Let me begin by saying what they are not. Put-downs are not "harmless jokes." The test of the difference between a put-down and a joke is this: Would the jokester be happy if someone he respected used that very same so-called joke on him?

Put-downs are not "constructive criticism." At a construction site, people are building something. To construct is to build. To give the kind of criticism that is constructive, you must see evidence of it helping the receiver to grow. For instance, when my children were little, they took music lessons. When they hit a wrong note after having practiced long and hard, the teacher would say, "I can tell you have been practicing well." She would then recite, very specifically, five or so things they did well. Then-and only then-she would say, "Now play that [name of note] again for me." If it was right this time, she would say, "Do you hear the difference from before?" This helped the child feel good about what was done right and turned the mistake into an opportunity to train the ear.

In contrast, "You played the wrong note!" is just plain criticism, not constructive and, "You played the wrong note again. I don't know what's the matter with you" is a put-down guaranteed for the child to hate music and ruin your relationship.

Put-downs are not the best way to express exasperation with those you love. What is heard and received is rejection and the response is to reciprocate that rejection, to feel depressed over that kind of treatment, or to get out.

Put-downs are anything that attacks the other person or what that person holds dear. They can be as subtle as eyeball-rolling or a cold tone of voice. They can be as obvious as cursing. They can be things in between such as referring to your son's friends as "oh, those people," and your husband's skill at softball as "it was great 30 years ago." The best way to know if you have put someone down is ask your heart what your feelings really are about the person it was directed to. The best way to know if you have been put down is to ask your heart if it feels proud after hearing that remark. The heart knows.

The damage they do to the soul

Unfortunately, unlike a courtroom in which the judge can instruct the jury to "please disregard that," once said, a put-down enters the soul in much the same way a virus enters a cell: destructively. Each and every time a put-down is leveled at someone, the soul is injured badly. You can actually see this on the outside: the smile is not so bright; grades drop; work suffers; car accidents occur.

People who hear put-downs long enough begin to doubt themselves. They begin to think there must indeed be something wrong with them or those they love wouldn't hurt them so. They go beyond thinking there is something-some aspect of themselves-that is wrong; rather, they think their whole selves are wrong. God, somehow mis-made them; the essence of their being is wrong.

No matter how angry you are with someone, you don't want to do this. You may think you do, but when you act out of anger, the damage boomerangs: Doing it injures your soul too. And you can easily tell that it has: You somehow don't feel happy afterward; you are not relieved or unburdoned. Rather, you feel as miserable and perhaps as angry as you did before. Look in your heart; you will see you are angry with yourself now in addition to being angry with your loved one.

How they escalate

Let's look at this further: Joan is furious with Tim and tells him off. She sees the dagger enter his heart. She sees the look on his face. He is quiet and there is a moment of peace. But in that moment, Joan does not feel relief. How can she? Whatever it was that Tim did that hurt her did not change. Nor did she give him a chance to apologize or make it good. Nothing was corrected. Joan thought she got even but what her heart craves is love, attention, and acceptance, and she sure didn't set up the situation for that. Tim meanwhile has only the foggiest idea of what he did wrong in the first place, if he has any idea at all. But he is really mad, now and who knows where that will lead?

Surveys of thousands of fighting couples show that bad words can escalate into physical violence. The probability is there. But even if that doesn't happen, at the very least-and this isn't small potatoes-the couple (or the child) becomes alienated.

How to respond

If someone puts you down, first you have to recognize it for what it is. Once you do, here are four possible types of responses.

Name it. Giving the down-putter the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't realize that it was a put-down. Maybe he just thought it was a joke or constructive criticism. Maybe he just thought "Well, that's what I do to vent anger" without meaning to put down. The solution here just might be to tell it like it is and say, "That was a put down."

Throw the ball back to her court. By asking, "Did you really want to say it that way because it was a put down," a reflective person might think about it and realize that she didn't intend that and make some correction or apology right on the spot.

Say it hurt. This suggestion comes with a warning: Only do it with a person of good will. If the person who said it is so angry that she just wants to inflict wounds, saying it hurt can, unfortunately, lead to more abuse. For all others, saying the put-down hurt can, indeed, put a stop to it.

Challenge. When the sender of the message honestly cannot see that the message is highly critical and not constructive at all, challenging the statement on a purely logical basis can be a wonderful experience in empowerment. For example, Sue hurts her daughter, Rochelle's feelings. Rochelle tells her it is a put-down and it hurts. Sue replies with, "You're too sensitive." That itself is a put-down because (a) the word "too" is judgmental and (b) it devalues the characteristic of "sensitivity." Rochelle can challenge this with: "How do you know I'm too sensitive? Maybe you're too insensitive."

Put-downs are not jokes and they're not constructive. They are virulent soul-destroyers which can lead to total alienation from those you care about most. Sometimes naming it, saying it hurt, throwing the ball back into the sender's court or direct challenge can put a stop to it.

By Dr. Debby Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

A Friend in Need

Here's the scenario: Julie, a hardworking secretary, lent money to her good friend Ray; $1300 to be exact. Ray had just moved to a new town and claimed that he needed two new suits: one for an upcoming wedding and one to wear on job interviews. Ray lived in a beautiful penthouse. He had a degree in Computer Science and was accustomed to the finer things in life - designer labels, frequent travel, and spa week-ends. When Ray told Julie he would repay her and signed a paper promising to do so, Julie didn't think anything of it.

A couple of weeks later, Ray tried to hit Julie up for more money; this time to furnish his new home. When she told him that she wouldn't be able to help him out this time, he accused her of being cold and hung up the phone on her. Julie suddenly realized that she was being taken advantage of. Her hurt quickly turned to rage. She wanted to know how someone could be so self-serving and inconsiderate. If Julie had been weak enough to lend Ray another several hundred dollars for furniture, how could he sleep at night knowing that she had expenses of her own to look after?

We as women have an innate desire to nurture whenever possible. Many of us have learned the hard way we must always keep our guard up - spot when we may be being misled or taken advantage of. It is a common belief that a woman who is eager to lend money to a man, suffers from niavity, desperation, or poor self-esteem. But in this case it was a loan not a gift, and a friendship not a romantic relationship.

We all know how risky it is to lend money to a friend of either sex. Some of us decide to give the lendee the benefit of the doubt because we think we know and trust them. Some of us are vigilant enough to take precautions to make the loan legally binding. The bottom line is that we need to stop stereo-typing and pointing fingers at a woman who would lend a man money. We need to take a closer look at the character of anyone who would try to take advantage of a friend's genourostity .

Along with her respect for him, Julie also lost all compassion for Ray and their so-called friendship deteriorated.? The fact of the matter is that no one can respect a man who fails to respect others. When he performs actions that are self-serving and manipulative, his sincerity, his honour, his integrity, are all called into question.

They say:

It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity.

Reading Body Language in Depth

Body Language can tell you a lot about what is happening in a relationship in so many ways. Is somebody feeling distant, having second thoughts, or are they going to go home rip off all your clothes and make wild, passionate love to you as soon as you close the front door.

The clues are in the body language of your partner.

Walking:

Let's take just walking to a destination for an example.

Things that say you are in sync are great. You are walking in about the same pace, side by side. Holding hands is another positive. If you go to look at your partner and admire them they should automatically return the admiration. There is a process known as mirroring in psychology and NLP which stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming. NLP goes as far to say you should copy the persons mannerisms, body language to get more in rapport with a person. This shouldn't be necessary as if you are connecting well you and your partner should be in sync already. There have even been studies that say heart rates get similar.

Warning signs for walking exists when couples aren't in rapport. If somebody walks far ahead or behind they both have meanings. Far ahead would mean they just wish to lead, and get away from their partner. Somebody who walks far behind could be scared of their partner, and feel intimidated by them.

If your partner crosses the street and gives absolutely no verbal or non verbal signals it is also a negative sign.

Sitting:

Now sitting is another example that can be used. Look at a pair of newlyweds. You'll see a lot of times they sit next to each other in booths at a restaurant not across from one another. They tend to remain close to each other no matter what. A family with a close mother and father do the same thing even when kids are involved. A partner I'm dating might even sit sideways facing me in a car when they are really into me.

Couples with good body language will take the time to connect all the time. The will face towards one another and when distractions stop will reengage each other in connecting. This can be done with kissing, holding hands, eye contact, or conversation. Their bodies should be angled towards each other and physical contact is done quite often. Another sign in a restaurant is both of the couples are eating in proportion to each other.

Negative signs are when somebody doesn't connect during breaks. They instead read a menu again, look out the window, play with their purse or engage everybody but the person they are will. Their bodies are probably angled away from each other and physical contact in minimal. If somebody is eating a lot of their meal and the other is hardly touching their plate something is going on. The person hardly touching their plate is probably bothered by something.

Making Love:

When a couple is in sync they connect on a much deeper level they just physical. There should be a strong mental aspect. Eye contact is one of the biggest things both partners should be able to freely look into each other's eyes during sex. Touching, holding, kissing is usually all a natural occurrence that happens during love making. A clasp of the hands with your partners, eye contact and others signal a much deeper connection. Partners should be willing to give pleasure as well as receive pleasure.

Some warning signs could be closed eyes , in a stiffness in the shoulders and neck. These signal coldness, anxiety

Be aware of the nonverbal communicate you have with your mate. There was a research study done by a psychologist known as Albert Mehrabian. His findings were it's not what you say but how you say it that really matters. Verbal communication only accounts for 7% of the total communication we communicate.

By Robert Torrey

Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?

So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I'm married but I'm not happy. I just got divorced and I don't want to make the same mistake again. When will I find someone? It occurred to me recently that in order to be in a relationship that works, it's necessary to be ready to enter one. I know that sounds really simple, but if we look at our national divorce rate, you can see that it is not simple. In fact, I seriously doubt that many people consider their readiness for marriage or relationship of any sort. I think the average scenario goes something like this. He is attracted to how she looks. She is attracted to his energy and productivity. They start dating and eventually she thinks it might be a good idea to get married. He goes along because he is sure it's going to get him regular sex and then all their friends and relatives get excited about their wedding. They have a big celebration and then they start to realize there is more to marriage than living together. Please forgive me for the offensive simplification of this scenario. It is merely an illustration.

My awareness heightened when I began working with clients who were in a state of chaos. They were in various stages of post relationship survival. Their finances were in a shambles. Some were broken hearted, with no self-esteem, out of work, wondering what to do about their rent and utilities payments and seeking coaching about their relationships. Many, I think, were planning on having a new relationship rescue him/her from impending disaster. I started to think about parameters for readiness in relationship. What specific standards and status should be the baseline? What exactly constitutes readiness? What is definite is that nothing is definite. So where do we start?

First is desire. The desire to be part of something is manifested in relationship. You can't be "in" relationship unless you want to be. Partnership demands a serious time commitment, one on one conversations, planning, dating, socializing, compromising, making love, having sex, playing, working, sleeping, having children and raising them, shopping, cleaning house. Granted, some of these things you would do even if you were not in relationship. However, once you are seriously committed, as in living together, every one of the above -mentioned tasks involves agreement and participation by both partners.

Even prior to living together, finding someone you are willing to try being in relationship with is practically a full time job. So many of the people that I talk with in my work, tell me, I just don't have the energy to go through the process of dating and getting to know someone well enough to feel comfortable being authentic and intimate. Don't you agree that many people settle for what they have, even if unsatisfying, because it's just too much work to change it?

Those that I have coached all the way to marriage and beyond have been serious about getting married. They wanted it, they were willing to do whatever it takes to find and enroll the right partner. They also do whatever it takes to maintain the level of passion and intimacy, production and appetite that are necessary to sustain a healthy, vibrant, satisfying relationship. In other words, they do not assume that once you are in a "marriage" or "committed relationship" that IT will take care of itself.

One seemingly unrelated concept that has forever been an annoyance has to do with loan applications. Bear with me on this. Whenever you submit a loan or credit application, the first response of the lender is to check your credit and your financial picture. If it appears that you need money for any reason, the likelihood of approval for financing is almost nil. However, if you appear financially stable with plenty of unused credit and a steady job and money in savings, every financial institution is clamoring to lend you money. So how does this relate?

It is my opinion, that love and relationship operate in the same way. Let's say you go to the love bank and ask for a boyfriend/girlfriend, a serious one perhaps leading to marriage. The love bank manager takes a look at you and says. You work too much, you spend all of your money, your credit cards are maxed-out, you have diminished self esteem and a broken heart from the last one, you're physically and emotionally bankrupt, and you don't trust anyone. REJECTED!!! Now, you are really in need of someone to save you so you continue looking at all of the B and C rated love lenders, bars, pick up joints, work, internet dating services, personal ads until you find someone who is as needy as you are. You need someone to rebuild your self-esteem and reassure you that you are indeed lovable.

WRONG!!!!!

Although I have never been fond of credit reporting agencies and the use of their information by lending institutions, there is some validity in their strategy that is applicable to relationship coaching. In order to be ready for a serious relationship, one must achieve the following:

1. Desire to be in relationship

2. Self - esteem. Know that you are attractive and have something to offer another person.

3. Financial stability. At least enough income to take care of your housing and basic needs and minimal credit card debt.

4. Work. A job that satisfies some of your achievement needs.

5. Vulnerability. Enough healing that you are able to share your authentic self with this person.

6. Love. An abundance for yourself with enough left over to share with another person.

I am not saying that you must be in perfect shape. What I am saying, however, is that you will attract a person who is your balance, someone who has the same or different issues in the same proportions. If you are needy, you will attract neediness. If you have intimacy issues you will attract someone who is shut down. So it is in your best interests to undertake a personal redevelopment plan prior to looking for a relationship. Be the best you that you can be to offer to another person. This seems to be a great way to start the new year. Funny, how it usually happens that someone who has been taking extraordinary care of themselves and not looking for a relationship suddenly finds him/herself in love.

Relationship coaching is life coaching. Life becomes extraordinary when we discover that being absolutely committed to taking care of ourselves, leads to abundance in every aspect of our lives.

Ending a Relationship Gracefully

Ending a relationship is never easy. When you feel you must end a relationship most people find it challenging as they have feelings towards their partner and do not wish to hurt them.

More often than not, breaking up is as hard on the person ending the relationship as it is on the person being broken up with. Realize that a person is breaking up has nothing to do with caring about another person. Caring about somebody and wanting a relationship are not the same.

The majority of people on this planet do not like to hurt others, especially somebody they have been close to. Guilt has been used more often than not to keep relationships together. Fight this urge and believe in yourself! When you allow guilt as a way to stop a break up you not only cheat yourself out of having a good and true relationship, you'll foster resentment towards the other person which could lead to greater pain and heart ache in the future. Why would you want to be with somebody who makes you feel bad by allowing you to feel guilty? Respect yourself!

A man should exit gracefully by planning the break up, to minimize the grief caused to his partner

Don't just ignore her hoping she will notice and go away. You might have learned a little bit about push /pull as a term we use in seduction. That only tends to bring somebody in closer. Which is the exact opposite of what you want.

The I think you're a great girl and I don't deserve you line will seem ok to her at first, but later on she will start to resent that. She could also go into how you DO deserve her and try to convince you.

Honesty really is the best policy. Treating the relationship, and the person, with respect and dignity helps soften the blow.

When you break up, Do it in person. Show some integrity and sincerity to tell her that the relationship isn't going anywhere. In our workshops we teach how verbal communication is only 7% of the total communication between people. If she also sees closed off body language it will be easier for closure for her eventually.

Telling somebody you are breaking up in person is never easy, but you owe it to her to break the news to her personally. This means not on the phone, definitely not over e-mail, but rather, face to face where she can get eye contact and read your body language. The universal line of " we need to talk." should be given in advance. This allows her to prepare for what is coming and helps soften the blow a little bit. Do not put too much time between the "We need to talk" and actual breakup as the waiting time in between is very uncomfortable if delayed long.

On doing some research on this I read a suggestion about breaking up in the exact same place you met if possible. This is to suggest that the relationship has completed a circle. A place where she has a lot of happy memories might help neutralize some of the new sad ones.

Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our piece without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another's feelings. It is important to make eye contact,and give body language that is open while you are communicating (which suggests you are VERY open to what you are saying) than give closed off body language after finishing your piece. To suggest you are not open to hearing anything else. Say your words sincerely, leave no room for doubt, and never back down- especially when she starts to cry and you feel horrible.

Than give that person some space usually a few months at least. Do not try to get cozy with the person as this can really mess with somebody's head a lot as they will use this as hope that you are getting back together. This is the only way to keep pain to a minimum when ending a relationship.

By Robert Torrey

Womens Cosmic Personality Quiz: Are You a Star Woman or an Earth Mother?

Star Women are visionary leaders, and focused on the future. Earth Mothers are focused on nurturing, caring, and giving. Knowing which of these beautiful images best represents you can lend you a better understanding of your own nature and improve your relationships with others.



All women have both Earth Mother and Star Woman attributes, but one is your primary identity. When the situation requires it, we can call forth the other personality type to help us."



Find out where you stand in the cosmos. Give yourself one point for each statement that is most often true about you:





I would rather lead than follow.

I hate housework.

I always dreamed of having my own business.

I am very ambitious.

I love envisioning the future and making it happen.

I take more risks than most other people.

I am decisive.

I'll do almost anything to avoid feeling dependent on other people.

I usually make more money than my partner or the men I date.

My partner works for me.

In a group situation I always end up taking charge.

I can be so focused on my goals that I don't notice people's feelings.

I'm more comfortable being in control most of the time.

I sometimes act like a prima donna.

I pursue my goals relentlessly.

I think more about the big picture than the details.

I'm good at inspiring other people to take action.

I have difficulty relaxing and putting work aside.

I feel that I'm here to accomplish something really important.

I'm always thinking and planning far ahead.

SCORING

1 - 7 Points - Earth Mother
Thank goodness for strong Earth Mothers! We need the nurturing, sustaining energy you grounded gals bring to this world. Earth Mothers derive great satisfaction from selflessly giving, serving and helping other people. Their power and leadership abilities are directed towards others. They are the wonderful women who attend to, and care for, their families and communities.

Because Earth Mothers often have trouble saying "no" to others and tend to be people pleasers, you may find yourself easy prey for domineering men. Work on finding your inner center of power so you will have the emotional strength to make sure your needs and opinions are taken seriously.

8 - 13 Points - Combination Earth Mother & Star Woman
A great many women have managed to cultivate a wonderful balance of both Earth Mother and Star Women characteristics. Gentle but powerful, combination women are a force to be reckoned with!



In certain circumstances or periods of life, you may find yourself leaning more closely to one role or the other. Revel in your ability to balance the combination and be proud of all you are.

14 - 20 Points - Star Woman
Welcome to the cosmic club of Star Women! You gung-ho gals are natural born leaders who are driven to set and accomplish goals and who persuade and inspire others. Ambitious visionaries, Star Women are often destined for greatness.

While Star Women possess a great masculine, action-oriented type of energy, you may find yourself a little short in the nurturing and empathy department. This can make you appear cold or standoffish to others. Work on developing a pool of more gentle, receptive feminine energy to balance things out and let your softer side show.



By Barbara Wright Abernathy

Catch A Cheating Husband the Easy Affordable Way

Many women mistakenly believe they need to hire a private investigator or buy expensive software or surveillance equipment to catch a cheating husband. Once you familiarize yourself with the signs of infidelity, all you really need are your own eyes and ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. The key is knowing what to look for.



The information below on how to catch a cheating husband is adapted from Chapter 4 of "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs." This comprehensive guide documents practically every known warning sign of infidelity, including a multitude of little-known signs not listed anywhere else. It includes signs most women usually overlook, signs a private investigator is unlikely to find, signs so subtle that a cheating man wouldn't even think to cover them up; and signs which will help you pinpoint the identity of the other woman.



For your convenience, the signs of infidelity in "Is He Cheating on You?"are grouped into 21 categories so you can easily locate the signs that apply to your husband. Look through the signs, then give yourself a reasonable period of time ( up to 2 weeks) to search for clues. Watch your husband. Pay close attention to everything he says or does. While it's true that some telltale signs are subtle, most are easy to spot, when you know what you're looking for. If you stay alert to what's going on, you're unlikely to miss any significant signs. Use your senses - all of them.



? Look - at his appearance, notice his behavior. Observe any changes in his work habits and his daily routine.



? Listen - for uncharacteristic remarks, for things he now refuses to discuss, for names dropped, for lies or inconsistencies in what he says



?Smell - his person, his clothing, his car for incriminating sexual odors or unfamiliar scents.



? Feel - the tension in your marriage, the emotional distance. Don't be so quick to dismiss your intuition. If your gut instinct tells you something is wrong, take a closer look.



Stay Alert



Don't let a single day pass without being keenly aware of everything your husband says or does. The signs that are evident one day may be undetectable the next. Be alert to anything that appears to be a departure from his norm. Some women make a point of actively searching for telltale signs. Others feel so strongly about invasion of privacy that they only take note of readily visible telltale signs. To them, certain boundaries are not to be crossed, even for a worthy cause. If you feel uneasy about spying on your husband, do what feels comfortable to you. It helps to think of it as information gathering rather than spying. Bear in mind that sometimes the end justifies the means. The more diligently you look, the more telltale signs you're likely to find. Some women observe telltale signs but fail to recognize them for what they are. They make no connection between what they see and what's going on behind their back. There's very little you'll miss if you constantly refer to the 21 categories of telltale signs in the Special Report offered below.



Write Down What You Find



Document everything! Keep accurate records of what you find. Don't try to rely on your memory. Record your findings in a journal and keep it under lock and key. Log in the dates, times and places that suspicious incidents occur. (phone calls, absences, meetings, excuses or alibis given, names dropped, etc.) If you have everything down in black-and-white, you can analyze what you've found to see if there are patterns to his behavior. Does he have to go to the store for cigarettes or a beer around 8:30 every Thursday night? Do anonymous phone calls only arrive a half hour before or after he leaves for his weekly night out with the guys? Does he walk the dog an unusually long time the first and third Sunday of each month? Does he put on cologne to go work out at the gym? Does he wear his best suit or one of his favorite shirts only on days he calls home to say he has to work late? Patterns like these will only be evident if you carefully document the things you find.



Exercise Caution



When you find tangible, physical evidence, pay close attention to exactly where and how it was found. Be careful to put things back exactly as they were to keep from arousing his suspicion. When possible, make photocopies or take photos of love notes, phone numbers, e-mails, letters, incriminating receipts and similar items you happen to come across. Store your "evidence journal" in a safe place. You'll need it when you sit down and tell your husband you know about his affair. As you go about conducting your investigation, be discreet. Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. Maintain your secrecy; be careful not to tip your hand. Don't let your husband know that you suspect anything at all. Live your life as normally as you while checking your husband out. Treat him the same way you did before you began to have doubts. Otherwise, he may become suspicious. Once he gets wind that you're "on to him", he may start hiding evidence or attempt to cover his tracks. As long as he doesn't know that you're suspicious, it will be easier to find out what's going on.



Don't Ask - Because He Won't Tell



Continue watching your husband and the pieces of the puzzle will gradually start falling into place. A lot of his strange behavior will suddenly begin to make sense. However, you should prepare yourself for the possibility that it could take weeks before you find out the truth. During the time you're observing your husband, you may be tempted to question him about some of the things you see or hear. You'll feel an overwhelming urge to drop hints about what you've found just to let him know you're not a fool. My advice to you is don't. If you give in to these urges prematurely, you'll be making a serious mistake. Keep your lips zipped and your emotions in check until you have all the facts. Timing is everything. Don't lose the advantage you have by exposing your knowledge too soon.



Restrain Yourself



It will take great effort on your part to restrain yourself as the evidence against your husband mounts Do not come right out and ask him if he's having an affair unless you're prepared to hear a lie. It usually takes solid evidence before a cheating husband will reluctantly (if ever) admit to having an affair. Even then, many men continue to lie. Ask a few discreet questions, if you must, but refrain from giving him the third degree. Continue your search for telltale signs and put your major questions on hold. Jot them down in a special section of your evidence journal. You'll get a chance to ask them later when you sit down and talk with him about his affair. Restrain yourself for now. There's nothing to be gained by dropping hints or letting your husband know what you suspect. Reveal what you knowe only at the right time, under the right circumstances. The more information you gather about your husband's affair, the more fragile your emotions may become -- or the hotter your anger will begin to blaze. If the pain of discovery becomes too much to bear or you become too filled with rage to continue, hire a professional who can investigate from an impersonal point of view.



Build a Strong Case



Once you have solid evidence that your husband is cheating, experts agree that you should confront him with your knowledge of his affair. Make sure your case is strong and your evidence solid. It will be hard for him to deny the truth if you have things down in black and white. That's why it's so important that you keep accurate notes. Otherwise, he may try to confuse you or convince you it's all in your mind. This is a common ploy of cheating husbands when confronted with evidence of their affair.



Plan Your Confrontation



When the time is right for you to confront your husband with what you know about his affair, the time, place and goals of your confrontation must be carefully planned. When you confront him, there are specific questions you'll need to ask him about the affair.



A WORD OF CAUTION:



Do not jeopardize your safety searching for telltale signs. Take all necessary precautions to protect yourself and your children. If at any time you feel that you are in danger; or if your husband has aggressive tendencies, an explosive temper or has a history of violent behavior, leave the detective work to a pro. Do not put yourself or your children at risk.



By Ruth Houston

Healing The Mid-Life Love Crisis

All I wanted was to fall in love and live happily ever after. The End.

Except it wasn't that simple. At forty-something, I was hardly "on the shelf", but I was the veteran of two divorces. That gave rise to plenty of self doubt. It gave rise to another more sinister, subtle symptom too: I didn't trust the opposite sex not to hurt me again. And guess what? Since the women I was meeting were in a similar age bracket, and also veterans of some painful emotional history, their fears echoed mine. Result? An almost cast iron guarantee that love cannot flourish! You might as well scatter seed on concrete and expect a wheat field to flourish.

The internet is peppered with such walking wounded. Dating sites abound and literally tens of thousands of people from all over the computerised world are looking for love. Naturally, there are success stories with happy endings. But the vast majority are frustrated individuals. Join these sites for a while, (I did for 3 months and ended up staying for 3 years), and you will see the same faces come round again and again. They are not ugly or evil or dangerous people. They are ordinary people like you and me, and yet somehow love is just eluding them.

Why?

To answer that you have to first ask yourself why anyone wants a relationship in the first place. The answer is not obvious, but it is simple. In just about every generation up to about the 1950's, people got into relationships because it was inevitable. Sooner or later, procreation was going to take place, and pregnancy meant the mothers needed economic support which was, of course, provided by the fathers. Roles were clear, nature played a big part. Whether relationships were "happy" or the couple were "in love" were secondary considerations. The relationship itself was primary, and at all costs was made to survive until death did them part. Add in social and religious pressures, and no wonder our grandparents and all of their forbears stayed together for life.

Nowadays we have a completely different agenda. It boils down to this: we will only stay in a relationship, or even enter into one, if it feels better than not doing so.

In other words, relationships have to make us happy or we're out.

That's a big agenda, but the biggest problem with it isn't its size; it's that it goes unacknowledged. Society, from government to the church to our neighbours, tends towards the old values and we still measure ourselves by them. We still consider ourselves to have failed if we break up a relationship, or worse, if we are the one who is jilted. This, in spite of the fact that we don't bat an eyelid if our friends change career, move house or emigrate no matter how many times they do it. But change partners? There's something wrong with you!

The fact remains, though, that broken relationships lead to broken hearts, and broken hearts hurt. Pain leads to fear, and fear leads to either a total giving up, or an attempt to half commit - with resulting unsatisfactory relationships all round.

So what's the antidote?

Two things, really. First, love yourself. If you can feel good about the person you're guaranteed to wake up with every day of your life, no one can hurt you, because that's your inner strength. It wouldn't matter how many times someone told Arnold Schwarzenegger he was a weakling, would it? He would always know that wasn't true.

Secondly, get clear, really clear, about what you want. And then be honest about that. Do you really want to be with someone with young children? Do you mind if the lovely person you've just met has an almost zero libido? Or an insatiable one?

Also be flexible with yourself about this. Your wants and needs are going to change. They won't be the same three months after the end of a relationship as they will be when three years have elapsed. So you have to learn to listen to your inner self, and not only hear it, but trust it and act on its advice!

What this amounts to actually reduces to an amazing and simple formula for finding and keeping true love. Want to know what it is?

Get to know, like and love the person you spend every day with. (For full details of who that is, check your nearest mirror!)

That's it! That way, you'll have bundles of love to give away, you'll be a joy to be around, (which makes you irresistibly attractive), and during those times when you find yourself alone, you'll be delighted to have your company for a while.

After all, who wouldn't?

By Trevor Emdon

Are You A Hopium Addict?

Are You A 'Hopium Addict?'

If the question alone was enough to make you recoil in horror, it doesn't necessarily mean that the term couldn't possibly apply to you. You may not have heard the term before, but your reaction may be because you are a closet hopium addict.

What is the definition of a hopium addict? 'A hopium addict is someone who puts their own emotional needs on hold, while they wait for their partner to kick their addiction - be it to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or emotionally and physically abusive behaviour - despite all the evidence to the contrary'.

Addiction to drugs, alcohol and gambling are easy enough to identify. The addiction to emotionally and physically abusive behaviour is generally far less readily identifiable, at least to the woman who is on the receiving end of it.

You see, women don't intentionally fall in love with a bully. They'll fall in love with someone who's strong, masterful, in control, masculine, powerful, resourceful, confident; in short, someone who'll complete them, someone who appears to embody all the old fashioned stereotypes of what a man is. (Or, at least, what a man was before the feminists started to challenge the stereotype.)

Now, the man who appears to embody all these stereotypes, behaves in a particular way that allows his conquest to slip into: 'I'm-a-princess-and-I've-finally-been-rescued-by-my-prince' mode. Suddenly, all the burdens of coping on her own have been lifted from her shoulders. Suddenly, she'll never have to 'do' life alone again?

By rights, these couples should just walk off into the sunset happily together, the man chivalrously keeping his sword slung over his right hip to protect his lady from danger?. Except that it's not really like that.

Abusive men start out very charming and chivalrous and in control. They tend to be fast wooers - because the veneer of confident masculinity is actually rather thin and brittle. Underpinning the veneer there is a profound sense of personal inadequacy and a fundamental dislike of women. (If you listen to them long enough they'll tell you that key female figures in their life have wronged them. At bottom, they mistrust all women.)

Once the fog of hormones, pheromones and straight lust starts to lift, things play out rather differently. Abusive men seek commitment yet loathe the demands it imposes on them. They encourage their partner to depend on them, then become acutely resentful of the dependency they see.

This resentment, increasingly, reveals itself in reproaches, fault finding, withdrawal of intimacy and escalating outbursts of anger. Whether or not physical violence is used, the nature of these outbursts is violent, inasmuch as it shatters trust and undermines the woman's feelings of self-worth.

The man may, or may not, threaten to leave. Almost certainly, he will point out to his partner how fundamentally flawed and unworthy she is. The woman is likely to have difficulty in reconciling this stranger, who is incandescent with self-righteous fury, with the prince who wooed her.

An attack of this kind is devastating and, at least in the early days, the woman is likely to reveal the depth of her distress. When she does so, the man's fury will subside and he will revert to being her loving cavalier? for a while at least.

The point is: an abusive man restores his own feelings of self-worth by cutting 'the little woman' down to size - irrespective of whatever it is that occurred to make him feel small in the first place.

But there's also a calculation involved: whether or not he loves her, he desperately needs her, because he uses her to shore up his feelings about himself. So, he has to do his best not to drive her away; which is why he reverts back to loving mode? until the next time. And there always will be a next time - which will always be worse than before - because in order to get his payoff, he has to 'up the ante'.

Over time, as he keeps knocking her down (psychologically and perhaps physically also), he becomes more confident that she won't leave. With all the conflict she loses the energy and the sense of an independent self that she needs to leave. So the loving interludes become less necessary, for him, and less frequent.

And that's where the hopium addiction comes in. He may still 'mainline' her just enough love to keep her locked in; or else she may be so starved that she stays, when she should have left long ago, still trying to get the 'fix' she needs; the fix, that she misguidedly believes, only he can provide.

The hopium addict is the woman who thinks that her partner loves her really, he just has difficulty showing it because he's had a hard time. She believes that somehow it will all work out alright, they'll find a way to live happily together ever after, the kids won't be affected.

Unfortunately, hopium addiction is degenerative; like any other addiction, unless you get treatment, it will destroy you.

By Annie Kaszina

How To Support Friends and Loved Ones Through an Abusive Relationship

This is a question that comes up a lot. It's hugely frustrating, as well as difficult and painful to watch someone you care about struggle in the quicksand of an abusive relationship.

It's frustrating because we can see all the things that they can't. We'd love to help them - which probably means getting them to adopt the solution that we know is right. But they don't see it, and they're not going to do it.

It's difficult because you start to feel like you're caught up in Groundhog Day. They reach the point of leaving, they may well even leave? and then the whole thing goes around again, and again. Maybe the same partner, maybe a different one. But you hear the same story again and again.

In the end your emotional investment wears you out. You end up feeling resentful towards them for what they're putting you through.

It's painful because watching someone turn into a shadow of their former self is tragic. All the more so when there are children who are also suffering. Witnessing the pain of someone you care about and not being able to make it go away, really taxes us.

So how do we support them?

First we need to be clear about the distinction between helping and supporting them. We cannot help them, i.e. move them on even so much as a millimetre. What we can do is be there for them. That doesn't mean making ourselves available to listen 100% of the time.

What it does mean is simply acknowledging and respecting their right to make choices, or else stick with the situation. However disastrous it may appear from the outside, they are making the best choices they can at the time. They already feel pretty bad about themselves; your continued respect may make more of a difference than you could imagine.

Second, we mustn't give up on them. There is a very human temptation, at some point, to say "Whatever", and walk away. Abusers create a void around their victim that leaves the victim even more dependent. It's very easy to end up becoming irritated with the victim. When you do, you're actually colluding with the abuser.

If an abused loved one can't hold on to the thought of life beyond their relationship, then that is something important we can do for them. This simply means believing and trusting that they will come out the other side of this. Even if neither of you can predict the timescale.

Third, we can hold onto the knowledge of who they truly are. Over time, living with a self-appointed King of the Jungle reduces them to feeling little better than a cockroach. We can hold - and remind them of- their gifts, their qualities, their uniqueness, their lovableness, until they are able to do it for themselves. Our vision may be the resource that starts them on their journey to recovery.

It doesn't even have to be a major holding operation on our part. Remember, abuse leaves its victims starving because it systematically closes down any channel of nourishment. Often, by opening up a channel we offer them more sustenance than we could possibly imagine.

To a friend of mine who has suffered hugely at the hands of a homicidally brutal partner and lost sight of herself, I sent a list of the blessings that she did not see. The list is incredibly empowering for her and she treasures it. It reads like this:

1) You are blessed with good and loving friends.

2) You inspire great love in those around you.

3) You have two wonderful children - maybe not easy, but definitely wonderful.

4) You have enormous strength.

5) You have a vast reservoir of talents.

6) You are an extraordinarily loving and supportive person.

7) You have a talent for creating beauty.

8) You have an extraordinarily attractive personality

9) You have formidable energy

10) All this and there is still, I'd guess, about another 85% of capacity that you are currently not able to access efficiently.

My friend is unique and gifted. So are all our friends and loved ones. Another person's list may be different, but it will be no less extraordinary. We are all uniquely gifted and wonderful. Yet we may need to have our eyes opened to this fact. Repeatedly.

We support others best when we offer them a valid, empowering vision of themselves. We support ourselves when we do the self-same thing for ourselves.

By Annie Kaszina